Over the last ten years or so, this blog has gone through a lot of phases and changes. From daily musings about Rachel Bilson and long winded photo captions for Cobra Snake to what feels like bi monthly ramblings about Kristen Stewart and a French Bulldog in Japan named Maru. There have been some constant obsessions and topics: film, music and a general inability to understand how to interact and connect with people. This place was my version of a therapist’s couch before I actually went in and sat on a real therapist’s couch. While I wasn’t completely transparent with everything that was going on in my life, I felt like I was able to share/vent a certain side of myself to more or less get it out of my system. My friends, at the time, didn’t listen to Dip Set so I turned to the internet to talk about how much I liked listening to Dip Set. I could talk about the weird thing that happened when I was at school without feeling like a crazy person.
Yet as we, the royal we, grew and relationships formed and developed, I felt like I had to hold things back a bit. Things I wrote even in the vaguest notion became fodder for long talks in real life. So, I pulled back a little more. I started to see what the trends and fads of Tumblr were becoming and it seemed like mini essays about movies and haphazard recaps of TVs had no place here. So, I became obsessed with starting a meme based blog. If putting “Hey Girl” onto photos of Ryan Gosling could become a thing, why not a blog with photos of dogs from Japan? Maybe another sports based blog could take off. Nothing really took off and I felt a little defeated. So, I pulled back a little more and well, Twitter just seemed a lot more easier.
Twitter is in the palm of my hand or back pocket so I have to spew some vapid opinion about something…boom it’s right out there in the ether. Tumblr and writing longer form things is too much of a difficult task. Going into another room and turning on the computer. On the surface, that does not seem too difficult but it is. I can’t use the computer late at night because it affects my sleeping patterns. I already have enough trouble getting to sleep as it is. Coupled in with the desire to go back to more creative writing, it just seemed like a chore to come back and write more.
When I started to get back into creative writing, I realized that I had lost some of my patience and structure. Building and creating these show bibles (I just now realized that I spend too much working on show bibles for movie scripts) did not have the instant gratification of writing on line. There’s no heart button on the side of the character description or outline. Nor can I scan a copy of my shitty handwriting and mail it to somebody for a snarky comment as to its quality and grammatical errors.
Then on top of everything else, turning to the internet to complain about things just seemed so trivial compared to what else is happening in the world right now. I’m not a special and unique flower because a vast majority of the world hates their job and feels at some point or another turning to therapy in order to survive it, right? Everybody thinks about getting back into therapy because their job drains so much from their life force, right? I can’t be the only one whose becoming an anti social hermit because of a desire to earn money, right? Once, I do write it down, I start to do this little dance with the delete button. Should I delete it all or just let the shit hit the fan?
And on top of that, I worry that I don’t have anything to really say at the end of the day. My message seems to be: watch Champions League soccer, Paul Thomas Anderson films, Nicolas Winding Refn films, don’t eat meat, love all animals, listen to 80s hardcore and Julie Klausner.
Now, that I’ve had some time and space from the majority of what was written above, I just feel like its hard to muster up the energy and enthusiasm to write anymore. I can say that I’ll make an attempt to be more active, but I can’t keep promises. I’m not very good at that.
Maybe I’ll just loan out the big spiral notebooks if anybody wants to read what I’ve been up to.
And to think about it, all of this came out from originally wanting to write about how Fox Sports’ inability to allow free streaming of the Champions League has stifled its potential popularity in America.