Skeet On Mischa, “Don’t call us when the new age gets old enough to...

“Don’t call us when the new age gets old enough to drink”
I’m not pulling the plug as much as I’m just unplugging the modem power adapter for a couple of minutes because the internet is acting a little wonky and weird. Instead of a minute or two, the power adapter will be resting on those proverbial nice hard wood floors for a week or so. And in that time, I am going back to nature. I am going on a Walkabout. I am going on a vision quest. However not in the wilds of Australia or some sexy locale fit for an episode of “Man VS Wild”, instead I will be roughing it in the wilds of Central California. Some long time readers may remember that last year’s trip to the bay area and subsequent drive through Central California lead me to believe that I had died and became a ghost left to roam a purgatory full of oddly placed Taco Bells and family friendly restaurants with yellow checker board taxi cabs theme and an endless array of NASCAR theme pinball machines. I hope this walkabout or if you will, descent into potential madness will be a lot different. I do not need to feel like a ghost again. It’s not a pleasant feeling and I cannot fully explain how these feelings or these theories developed. I only had a couple of glasses of wine in Napa a few days before and maybe a beer or two in San Francisco before riding/driving through Central California. I want to say that I will be of sound mind and properly hydrated before embarking on this walkabout/vision quest. My loan goal of this trip, reset, what have you will be rather simple: stare at some trees, if there’s a tree ring hanging up somewhere I do an impression of Kim Novak in Hitchcock’s Vertigo and if time allows it, hug multiple trees and apologize on behalf of the internet community for their recent love affair with David Foster Wallace’s massive opus, Infinite Jest and perhaps be a shoulder for the tree community to cry upon since they may have lost many, many of their family members in the multiple printings of the book. I will also apologize for my recent love/hate relationship with the work of Thomas Pynchon; I hate to imagine how trees were injured in the printing of Against The Day. Perhaps the biggest aspect and potentially more difficult than cutting red meat out of my diet, will be giving up Twitter for the week and the internet as well. No Twitter and no internet for a week while popular Los Lakers power forward Lamar Odom remains un-signed will be like walking a tight rope, but it must be done. Isn’t that what friends are for though? To text or e-mail you with news of where Lamar Odom is going in the off-season? I hope they would. Unless, I’m the one who’s supposed to text people with that news? However if you’re in a basketball news lurch, you could always check out the Off Season blog! As the Tumblrity for the Empire begins to plummet, I will become one with nature and hopefully by the week’s end, I will finish the first part of Gravity’s Rainbow. The saddest or at least a rather disappointing day in recent memory had to have been the day when I realized that Cliff Notes for Gravity’s Rainbow was merely an invention of Steve De Jarnatt and the ingenious prop department of Miracle Mile (Netflix ASAP! if you haven’t seen it yet). A Cliff Notes for Gravity’s Rainbow would be so helpful for me right now.
For those keeping score on the hamburger front, last night, I had a Veggie Burger and I have to admit that the texture is there. It feels like a burger and it looks like one too, but the juices do not come dripping out of the patty after a bite. That juice, especially if it’s a burger from 8 Oz Burger Bar or TK Burger, juice that I either want to bath in or turn into a line of perfumes. The veggie burger was rather light, but I felt some what full. Perhaps, it was an issue of mind over matter. In a mind, I just ate a burger and now, I feel full. Over time, I will get used to it. I have to ask one question before I leave: what the fuck did Conan O’Brien do to deserve such horrible guests this week on the “Tonight Show”? Seriously? Howie Mandel? The lady from the Today show? These aren’t the guests of a premiere late night talk show host. Even Carson Daly passed on these guests and Daly put on a guy who carves wood into guitars on for a segment! Did Conan lose a bet? Is the world’s biggest dickbag Jay Leno saving all the good guests for his 10pm show? I mean, why not? In a couple of months, NBC will turn into a nightly version of Sabado Gigante! Holy shit. It’s as if they want Conan to fail and they want me to discover that Art Man is a better interviewer than Jimmy Fallon!

“Don’t call us when the new age gets old enough to drink”

I’m not pulling the plug as much as I’m just unplugging the modem power adapter for a couple of minutes because the internet is acting a little wonky and weird. Instead of a minute or two, the power adapter will be resting on those proverbial nice hard wood floors for a week or so. And in that time, I am going back to nature. I am going on a Walkabout. I am going on a vision quest. However not in the wilds of Australia or some sexy locale fit for an episode of “Man VS Wild”, instead I will be roughing it in the wilds of Central California.

Some long time readers may remember that last year’s trip to the bay area and subsequent drive through Central California lead me to believe that I had died and became a ghost left to roam a purgatory full of oddly placed Taco Bells and family friendly restaurants with yellow checker board taxi cabs theme and an endless array of NASCAR theme pinball machines. I hope this walkabout or if you will, descent into potential madness will be a lot different. I do not need to feel like a ghost again. It’s not a pleasant feeling and I cannot fully explain how these feelings or these theories developed. I only had a couple of glasses of wine in Napa a few days before and maybe a beer or two in San Francisco before riding/driving through Central California. I want to say that I will be of sound mind and properly hydrated before embarking on this walkabout/vision quest.

My loan goal of this trip, reset, what have you will be rather simple: stare at some trees, if there’s a tree ring hanging up somewhere I do an impression of Kim Novak in Hitchcock’s Vertigo and if time allows it, hug multiple trees and apologize on behalf of the internet community for their recent love affair with David Foster Wallace’s massive opus, Infinite Jest and perhaps be a shoulder for the tree community to cry upon since they may have lost many, many of their family members in the multiple printings of the book. I will also apologize for my recent love/hate relationship with the work of Thomas Pynchon; I hate to imagine how trees were injured in the printing of Against The Day.

Perhaps the biggest aspect and potentially more difficult than cutting red meat out of my diet, will be giving up Twitter for the week and the internet as well. No Twitter and no internet for a week while popular Los Lakers power forward Lamar Odom remains un-signed will be like walking a tight rope, but it must be done. Isn’t that what friends are for though? To text or e-mail you with news of where Lamar Odom is going in the off-season? I hope they would. Unless, I’m the one who’s supposed to text people with that news? However if you’re in a basketball news lurch, you could always check out the Off Season blog!

As the Tumblrity for the Empire begins to plummet, I will become one with nature and hopefully by the week’s end, I will finish the first part of Gravity’s Rainbow. The saddest or at least a rather disappointing day in recent memory had to have been the day when I realized that Cliff Notes for Gravity’s Rainbow was merely an invention of Steve De Jarnatt and the ingenious prop department of Miracle Mile (Netflix ASAP! if you haven’t seen it yet). A Cliff Notes for Gravity’s Rainbow would be so helpful for me right now.

For those keeping score on the hamburger front, last night, I had a Veggie Burger and I have to admit that the texture is there. It feels like a burger and it looks like one too, but the juices do not come dripping out of the patty after a bite. That juice, especially if it’s a burger from 8 Oz Burger Bar or TK Burger, juice that I either want to bath in or turn into a line of perfumes. The veggie burger was rather light, but I felt some what full. Perhaps, it was an issue of mind over matter. In a mind, I just ate a burger and now, I feel full. Over time, I will get used to it.

I have to ask one question before I leave: what the fuck did Conan O’Brien do to deserve such horrible guests this week on the “Tonight Show”? Seriously? Howie Mandel? The lady from the Today show? These aren’t the guests of a premiere late night talk show host. Even Carson Daly passed on these guests and Daly put on a guy who carves wood into guitars on for a segment! Did Conan lose a bet? Is the world’s biggest dickbag Jay Leno saving all the good guests for his 10pm show? I mean, why not? In a couple of months, NBC will turn into a nightly version of Sabado Gigante! Holy shit. It’s as if they want Conan to fail and they want me to discover that Art Man is a better interviewer than Jimmy Fallon!